The Surprising Purchases that Are Saving America’s Economy
News the U.S. economy is suddenly booming has everyone wondering what turned it around. Here are the most likely drivers of recovery:
- New hoses. Turns out everyone needed a new hose this summer.
- Parents across the nation paying for drugs to stop their children from singing Frozen’s “Let it Go.”
- Surge in moms losing the sweaters they meant to return to Nordstrom.
- Increase in people opting to pay extra for guacamole on their burrito as they whisper to themselves, “I deserve this…”
- Popularity of ‘Masters of Sex’ leading to lines around the block outside stores selling sex.
- The last of those ‘1,000 Free Hours of AOL’ CDs have finally been used up, forcing many Americans to pay for the internet for the first time.
- Some dude at my bodega picked up a tall boy yesterday. So that’s $1.99 right there.